It is so odd, how it is, how I feel, how he acts, what I think. I'm comfortable sitting on the floor in my kitchen, uncomfortable as can be but as content as I could ever imagine. Changes call my name now. Change in shape, ideas, dreams, music, school, love, life. After working all summer I have developed a second place of dwelling, new people with new goals, vocabulary, life issues and challenges, all of us,and them, brought together to one place. I have found myself to be easily welcomed with many people, new acquaintances, new friends and new crushes. One in specific. As much as I want to pursue this, I can't. I'm just unsure what it is that I can't pursue, or follow through with, or live through?
Will this friendship end just as it starts, how ever small or large it really is equally, in both of our eyes? Will it end just as so many have fallen into my past? Where my lack of trust and my fear in exploration has left so many that I cared about in my past, where today only awkward conversations dwell. I don't want another friendship like that, where it never began, but could have, where I froze, where it just got... Awkward. I want to make a leap of faith into this, I don't know where our relationship will go, any direction would be a nice change...
If I jump in will he? Should I jump first? Wait for him? Hell it is in is court! And he already knows it. Is he afraid? That I want too much, that he wants too much? How could I tell him, I want neither? Not a full relationship, not just friends, not ignored, not loved, just someone to test the waters with... A partner in crime, in exploration, a partner in change, changing with the change in my life.
What If he never knows?
Now I'm back to the start? Should I wait for him? Throw in the towel? Through myself out to timing and fait?